Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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