Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
So much Jack, so little girl.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Randomize
