He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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