someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
