are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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