my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
