I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
