Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
