I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
