So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
