Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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