I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
