onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize
