We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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