What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
