Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
