Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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