3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
