i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
40s are totally the cure
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
