On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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