Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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