i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Randomize
