I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
