YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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