I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
