I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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