I'm laying in your front yard are you home
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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