youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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