went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
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