a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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