I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
