What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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