I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Randomize
