fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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