your parents love me but you hate me
She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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