Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I just blew my weed a kiss
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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