i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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