you guys were way drunker than both of me
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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