what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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