She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
