Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
