my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
