Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
