Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Randomize
