call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
