glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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