Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
