You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Randomize
