roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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