Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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