Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
