I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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